The Family You Know And Love
Funny Email
Emails Rodney has sent to companies as a JOKE.
An Email To Dish Network
Oct 19th
—–Original Message—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: Wednesday, October 17, 2007 12:26
I recently had a major problem with my VIP622 Dish Network HD-DVR, and scheduled for someone to come out and look at the problem. When the service person came out he stated that the unit could not be fixed, and needed to be replaced. At first I thought, no problem. Then after I thought about it I asked this earth shattering question, “Am I going to lose all of the shows I recorded on the unit, or is their a way you can copy them over?” When he told me, “No, everything you have recorded will be lost”. It was hard for me to hold back my tears, but I am a strong man, so I turned my tears into manageable anger. You see, my wife and I love television, and this new season is very special for us, because it has several new science fiction shows that we enjoy. The Bionic Woman, Chuck, Pushing Daisies, JourneyMan, and Reaper are all very good shows and they all lived in on the hard drive in glorious high definition. But as the unit was replaced our evening entertainment archive was stolen from us because Dish Network box malfunctioned. We had at least 25 hours of unwatched entertainment on it and now it’s all gone. So now you are asking yourself why did I send this longwinded letter to you? I want the good people of Dish Network to activate the external hard drive support for my VIP622 box, and waive the one time $39.99 fee. That’s right I want you to activate the external hard drive support for free. You have already forced me break the law, because I have to illegally download all the shows that were on the unit when it failed. I also figured that if this replacement unit fails as well, I will be able to keep the shows that were recorded to the external harddrive, and would not be reduced to tears … I mean manageable anger. So come on Dish Network, throw your favorite customer a bone.
—–Response Message—–
Dear Mr. Williams,
Thank you for your email. We do apologize for the inconvenience. The activation fee for the external hard drive is a valid charge since it will be a time fee only.
We thank you for allowing us to be of assistance to you. If you have any further questions or concerns, please refer to dishnetwork.com or reply to this email.
Sincerely,
Christinoff Y.
TID:OR-Missouri
Dish Network eCare
This email actually turned out successfull. See what happens when you ask for something the right way?
NetFilx – Long Wait Times
Sep 7th
I am an avid user of NetFlix. I have convinced 3 of my friends to start an account with you. I generally have no problems with your service, but I have noticed that lately, your service has disappointed me.
My main concern is that in the past few weeks, you have been running out of new releases. Most of the time it is on the day they are released. What movies am I talking about? Kill Bill 2, Hidalgo, Hellboy, Secret Window, shall I go on? I work hard to schedule my movie watching and returns, so that can have the latest release mailed to me, the day it is released. But most of the time my hard work is not paid off, and I get a movie that has been released for weeks. In short, I want to watch a new release every week.
I cut back all the pay channels on my satellite service so that I could fully enjoy Netflix movies almost every night. I watch at least 5 Netflix movies a week. I would appreciate it if you had the movies I want to watch, when I want to watch them. Its hard not to notice that, newer accounts seem to be treated better than your older loyal customers. I hope this is not the case.
I sent that email 3 long weeks ago and have not gotten any sort of sympathetic reply. It’s time to get Thugish. The following is an email that I have just sent to NetFlix .
What’s wrong with you’re company? Did the new clever commercial campaign drain your funds and now you can’t stock your movies? Is new Blockbuster service, too much for you? Or do you enjoy not giving your customers they service that they pay for? What am I ranting about you ask? For weeks I have waited with bated breath and a heart full of anticipation to receive the movies in my constantly monitored DVD queue, only to see that the movies that I want are always out of stock. Here is a list of the movies I am talking about and their wait times.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 – 3 weeks
Hidalgo – 5 weeks
The Three Musketeers (Disney) – 3 weeks
This list is just of the movies with a wait time that are in my queue right now. And they have had wait times since the day that they were released. That’s right, they day the movie became available at Blockbuster, Best Buy, or Hollywood Video you don’t have it. Their have been several others that I had to wait weeks for before they were shipped to me. Why should I stay with you? By the way, this is not the first time I have emailed you about this. Three whole weeks ago, I sent an email and you have still not responded.
I’m gonna make you an offer. If you don’t respond to my email, or compensate me in some form or another I am going to leave your scarlet envelope mailing, no customer service having, deadbeat, defunct .COM company for the new Blockbuster service. I will all also post messages on several websites, blogs, and newsgroups explaining in detail why I left NetFlix. I will make the website ihatenetflix.com explaining my negative experience, and encourage people to post messages of their bad NetFlix relationships. That’s right, your reputation is at stake. So get back at me before I go mid-evil on your ass.
The following is in response to the well written and emotional email, that I sent to Netflix a week ago.
Dear Rodney,
Thanks for your message.
Most of the time, we are able to ship our customers one of the first three movies in their queue. We apologize that this has not been the case for you recently and for any inconvenience this may have caused.
It’s critical to us that we are able to provide our customers one of their top choices consistently and we’re constantly evaluating our movie inventory and buying more movies to match demand as closely as we can.
If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us.
Thanks,
Marissa,
Netflix Customer Service
Costco – Monster’s Inc. (Part 3)
May 17th
—–Original Message—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 12:26
To: customerservice@costco.com
Subject: RE: Your Broken Promises
It has been about one and a half years since Costco broke its first empty promise, and about one year and three months since the almighty and powerful Costco broke its second barren promise. What am I ranting about you ask? Well way back in July 28,2003 I preordered a copy of Monster’s Inc that came with 2 movie cash certificates to any wholesome Disney theatrical release. After waiting a month for Monster’s Inc to make it into my cozy mailbox I sent an inquisitive and touching email to Costco’s customer service (see attached). I received a response email from Angela D. stating that if I canceled the order I would receive the free movie certificates in the mail. After waiting a long and torturous 3 months, I realized that Costco was not going to send the free movie certificates.
This cold hearted fact, compelled me to send another insistent email asking for righteous retribution. This time Brandee S. responded to my well written email stating that Costco could send 1 of 4 DVDs in the mail. All I had to do was play one potato two potato and pick which one. So I responded with a short, sweet, and sophisticated email stating that I wished to receive Anastasia in the mail. Brandee S. even responded to assure me that the free DVD coupon would be sent to me. Now that we are all up to date let me give you the latest news in our saga.
It has been one year and three months since Brandee S. sent the email to me. However, Brandee’s given birth name would suggest that she was drunk when she sent that email because I have not seen the Anastasia DVD coupon, or the Anastasia DVD. Costco, you don’t like me do you? What have I done to you to deserve such horrid treatment? I am nothing but good and wholesome to you.
My beloved family has Executive Memberships and spends at least 400 hard earned dollars a month at Costco. Do you know what I could do with an extra $400 a month? I could get new shoelaces every week. I could afford to have every flavor of dental floss in existence. I could buy that special iodized Morton’s salt I’ve always wanted. But that means nothing to you does it? The sacrifices I’ve made to give you my money as an offering, and you can’t keep your promises with me?
You remind me of my first girlfriend, she was a tease too. Always promised me what I deserved, but never delivered. Don ‘t be like that Costco, give me what I want and need. The torturous teasing, waiting, and longing, has me at my wits end, I feel like I’m going to explode. This would greatly improve my sanity and could be a breakthrough in my therapy.
All of my therapists say that I should try to be friends with you. I keep telling them that it could never happen, because Costco does not have the capacity to give. But they persist to tell me that my anger, aggression, and anguish will be extinguished if you showed me that you could give me what was promised. Then I could finally have trusting faith in the world again.
Even if you can’t come through on your promises to give me the Anastasia DVD, I will accept any movie from you. Except Barney and the Teletubbies, my kids love them but they frighten and startle me.
Waiting to Get Good News,
Rodney Williams
—–Response Message—–
Dear Rodney,
Thank you for emailing Costco Wholesale.
I am so sorry that you did not get the certificate that we promised you.
We were not aware that you never received it. I will be over night you a $20.00 cash card, as soon as I received it I will email you to tell you that it is on its way. Again I am so sorry that you have not fulfilled your requests.
Sincerely,
Linda G.
customerservice@costco.com
Kohl’s – The Kohl’s Agenda
Mar 3rd
—–Original Email—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: 03/03/2003 06:59
To: customer.service@kohls.com
Subject: The Kohl’s Agenda
At first when I heard that a department store was coming to my neighborhood, it pleased me. I thought, “This could be good, a brand new store, 2 blocks from my house, that could sell something that we might actually buy. How convenient!” Then on Sunday, March 2, 2003, I read an article in my local newspaper that hinted to the dangers of Kohl’s foul economic agenda. I knew that Kohl’s was opening a few stores in Southern California; although, I had no idea 28 strategically placed retail fortresses are invading us. The article quoted your senior vice president of marketing saying, “Our customer is a mom who has a very busy lifestyle”. All at once, I understood Kohl’s fiendish agenda.
Kohl’s wicked agenda is to financially drain the wallets of every hard working husband in southern California. Listen, I’m a hardworking guy, I love my wife, and I love my kids … but the last thing I need is a more convenient way for my wife to spend money. Do you want me to work overtime everyday? Don’t you want my two beautiful daughters to go to college someday? Or would you be happier if my family were well dressed and broke?
I must admit. I admire the evil genius in your marketing and propaganda tactics. You have placed Kohl’s right in the middle of our red blooded American neighborhood. Your parking lot lights are shining right in to some people’s bedrooms. I even have to drive by your monstrous store at least 4 times a day. Weeks before the any store opened, you sent reminders and coupons to every woman in southern California. You even said they could “save” 10% if they opened a Kohl’s credit card account. Kohl’s is even giving away fabulous door prizes and shiny new cars on opening day. How can suburbia resist? You’ve got all the wives in my neighborhood, herding to your stores in a convoy of mini-vans, salivating at the mouth, with their husbands’ wallets in their hands. My wife has even pondered working part-time at Kohl’s just to get a discount. What can a husband do against such a willfully strong and powerful dark force?
Of course, I wouldn’t be complaining if you threw us faithful husbands a bone or two. I mean you could at least sell some tools, TV’s, video games, or beer there, but you don’t. All you sale are clothes, small appliances, and knick-knacks … basically girly stuff. So could you please at least soften the blow to my wallet by sending me coupons or a tee shirt or something? I know I can’t win a battle against a national mega-store, but it would be nice to know that the store that is going to bankrupt me heard my cries of mournful sorrow.
Waiting For Your Sympathy,
Rodney Williams
—–Response Email—–
Rodney, thank you for your comments regarding your local Kohl’s stores. The grand opening for the California stores is March 7th. Please take the time to visit a store and you will find out that there is alot of merchandise gearing towards men.
I will be forwarding you comments along to the appropriate people.
Thank you
Mary
Costco – Monster’s Inc. (Part 2)
Jan 9th
—–Original Message—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: Thursday, January 09, 2003 11:17 AM
To: customerservice@costco.com
Subject: RE: Your Broken Promises
Once again, you have broken your promise Costco, and now you are making your hard working employees lie to my 3-year-old sweet innocent daughter.
What I’m I talking about you ask? Well, on October 07, 2002 I sent Costco an emotional email that told the story of a my young warmhearted child waiting to receive a Monsters Inc. DVD and free movie certificates to a Disney movie in the mail. However, that DVD and the free movie certificates never came, and I demanded restitution for my daughters broken heart. Angela D., one of Costco’s loyal and hardworking customer service representatives, email me back the next day (see attached email). Instructing me to get a refund for the purchase of the DVD, and the free movie certificates will be sent out to my daughter in the mail. I repeat, free movie certificates will be sent to my daughter in the mail.
Well, I went to Costco, stood in the refund line for about 30 minutes and got my money back for the movie I purchased 3 months before (which Costco never gave me) with no problems, and expected to get the free movie certificates in the mail as promised. Guess what? Three months later, no free movie certificates have ever made it to my mailbox. Is the mail that slow? Does Costco know how the mail thing works? Are you all out of stamps? Are free movie certificates so rare and majestic that they could not be located? Or is Costco just lazy?
Thank goodness I didn’t fall for your evil trickery this time, because I didn’t promise my warmly brown-eyed daughter that she would get free movie certificates in the mail. I couldn’t put her though that malicious torment again. I had already learned my lesson to never trust Costco to do what they say. But how sad and underhanded it is that you made your hardworking customer service representative Angela D. lie to my daughter and I. In case you didn’t know the name Angela is of Greek origin, and it means heavenly messenger. I would expect Angela to live up to her given birth name. However, in this case, the email Angela gave my daughter and I was a devilish message of harmful intent filled empty promises and corporate deceit.
My daughter will see a movie for free. Send me the free movie certificates as promised or a Costco gift certificate so I can purchase a movie for my softhearted daughter. This way my tender child will watch a movie for free in some form.
Waiting for you to get a soul,
Rodney Williams
—–Response Message—–
Dear Rodney and Elizabeth,
Thank you for e-mailing costco.com.
First of all I would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. I do show that on 10/8/02 Angela requested that the free coupon be mailed to you. Unfortunately, those coupons are no longer available. We currently are able to offer a coupon for a free copy of one of the following: Anastasia,Thumbelinia, Bartok the Magnificent or Digimon the Movie.
Sincerely,
Brandee S.
customerservice@costco.com
Costco – Monsters Inc. (Part 1)
Oct 7th
—–Original Message—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: Monday, October 07, 2002 2:36 PM
To: customerservice@costco.com
Subject: Our Pre-Order of Monster’s Inc.
On July 28, we preordered a copy of Monster’s Inc that comes with 2 movie cash certificates to a Disney theatrical release. This seemed like a great deal, a movie my sweet daughter loves and tickets to another wholesome Disney film. Little did I know that Costco would be giving my innocent 3 year old girl a lesson in the cold harshness of corporate power, the sadness of lost hope, and make her proud parents liars.
Everyday, since the shipping date of September 17, when Daddy gets home from a long day of work, Rachel looks up at her father with her warm brown eyes and says, “Come on Daddy, let’s get the mail.” During that walk to the mailbox, I pray that Monster’s Inc is there, so that my daughter might be saved from her torment. “Where’s my movie?”, she says when we peek in the mailbox. Then I have to tell her, “Sweetheart … it’s not here”. I can only watch, as a piece of her pure heart is broken when she realizes that, the mailbox only holds junkmail, bills, and no Monster’s Inc. It is so hard to see her try to be strong and hold back her tears, but the tears come anyway. How dare you Costco!
Why did you have to do this with a kid’s movie? Why couldn’t the promotion be for the Scorpion King or The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or something? No, you had to pick a kids movie, and tease us weeks on end and make us wait for it with no courtesy call, no email, or anything to let us know the status of the shipment. Parents around the world are made out to be liars because we promised our beloved children something, and it never comes. Did you know I have to run passed the DVD section in Target, Best Buy, and yes Costco, because if my daughter sees Monsters Inc. she will grab it off the shelf and beg for it? Then I have to tell her, “No honey, we are going to get it in the mail soon.” Then once again I realize that Costco is making me a lie to my child.
Why don’t I just cancel our order you ask? Well, Mommy and Daddy made a promise to their little girl, that one day, one day there will be a DVD and tickets to Disney a movie for her in the mailbox. She looks forward to that day, and she needs to know that promises should never be broken. And you legally promised to mail Monster’s Inc. to my precious child. YOU WILL KEEP THIS PROMISE!
I expect to hear from you Costco. You must right the wrong you have committed against our sinless child.
Exactly when will the DVD be shipped?
What will you do to make up for anguish and turmoil you have brought upon our softhearted daughter?
Concerned about your ethics,
Rodney Williams
—–Response Message—–
Dear Rodney,
Thank you for your rrecent e-mail.
We are very sorry that you have not received your pre-order of monsters inc. Please take your receipt to the membership desk for a refund. And we will send you out the free movie certificates. I am sorry for the inconveinece and unhappiness of your little girl.
Sincerely,
Angela D.
customerservice@costco.com
AquaBrew – Coffee
Oct 4th
—–Original Email—–
From: Rodney Williams
Sent: Friday, October 04, 2002 11:06 AM
To: ‘info@aquabrew.com’
Subject: Info needed on the TE-1200/TE-1300
Recently, a fellow work collage and I discovered how to brew a perfect cup of coffee. Or as we software engineers refer to it, blood. To keep our production level and awareness at optimum levels, we require good coffee. Since we both have children in the terrible twos and teething infants, we require A LOT of good coffee.
Since we have uncovered the formula for a perfect cup of “go juice” we have become fanatical purist in our Fellowship of the Bean, and require important information to complete or quest.
When we are not confound to our 3.5 cell prison walls known as “cubicles”, we congregate around your Thermo Express coffee maker, model number TE-1200/TE-1300. While the coffee is brewing, we wonder:
- How many cups of hot water “really” comes out of the TE-1200/TE-1300 before it extracts our life juice from the bean of wonder?
- What temperature is the water during the extraction of our addiction?
If we had these questions answered, we could continue our quest, and become one with the bean.
By the way, we notice you are in Santa Ana. We are in Tustin. Would it be possible to tour your facilities to see where the magic happens?
—–Response Email—–
I love your enthusiasm. Having three kids myself, all under 5 years old, I understand your need for the magic liquid.
First of all you have a great brewer. It’s older and we no longer manufacture it because we have developed an updated version (Model TE-1224) but it a great brewer non the less.
Your brewer brews at 205 degree brewing temperature. To brew coffee properly it need to be brewed between 195 to 205 degrees consistently. We be hotter and more consistent, thus providing the maximum extraction of your coffee every time perfectly.
The brewer volume can be adjusted to brew the exact volume you are looking for to match the amount of coffee grounds you are using. As a rule of thumb, use 2 to 3 ounces of course ground coffee per 1/2 gallon of water.
I hope this helps your quest.
Patrick J. Rolfes
President
AquaBrew, Inc.
Tel: (714) 432-8800 *24
Fax: (714) 432-8802
Email: pat@aquabrew.com
Web: www.aquabrew.com
‘Morning Fresh’ Coffee All Day Long!
Dish Network – HDTV
Oct 1st
——Original Email——–
I have a High Definition TV at home without a HDTV tuner. I have never seen a HDTV signal on my $2300 Sony TV. Do you need any eager testers for your 6000 receiver?
I can’t afford to get it right now. My two beautiful 3 year old and 6 month old daughters are soaking up all my extra funds. They sure would love to see Elmo and Blues Clue’s in that crisp breathtaking HDTV resolution.
Please, help me make my technology loving daughters happy and let them “test” a new 6000 HDTV receiver, and remain loyal customers to Dish Network.
Rodney Williams
P.S. My daughters really are beautiful, just take a look. http://www.cydneyblu.com/rodney
—–Response Email—–
Sent: Wednesday, October 02, 2002 5:46 PM
Subject: Sales & Equipment,
Dear Mr. Williams,
Thank you for your e-mail. We currently are not running any Beta testing on our Model 6000 receiver. We usually do testing on receivers before they are released to the public.
We encourage you to stay tuned to future Charlie Chats and Technical Forums broadcast on Channel 101. We have also provided a link (http://www.corporate-ir.net/ireye/ir_site.zhtml?ticker=dish&script=400) to DISH Network press releases below.
Your business is greatly appreciated and we thank you for allowing us to be of assistance to you. If you have any further questions or concerns, please refer to www.dishnetwork.com or reply to this email and include all previous correspondence so that we may assist you promptly.
As a current customer, you may also use our website to view your current or previous billing statements, add services, or make payments to your account. Please use the link https://customersupport.dishnetwork.com/customercare/UserManagement/login.jsp to launch yourself to the Dish Network Customer Support Center.
Sincerely,
Dallas W.
DISH Network e-Care
Dannon – Danimals
Sep 20th
——–Original Email——–
Recently I purchased a Dannon Danimals Strawberry-Kiwi/Cherry 4oz., 6 Pack. The yogurt was smooth in texture and pleasing to the palette. However, I find the packaging for the Cherry flavored yogurt to be inappropriate and sexually suggestive.
Each of your Danimals features an animal as sort of a mascot to appeal to and catch the interest of children. This marketing ploy is used many in other markets such as breakfast cereal. For instance, Fruit Loops has Toucan Sam, Tricks has the Silly Rabbit, and so on. None of these are completely inappropriate or outrageously sexually suggestive. But why on Gods greenish Earth would you choose to put a Beaver on Cherry flavored yogurt?
Was your marketing person sexually frustrated that day? Did they think it was funny? Are you guys trying to write for Jay Leno now? To me this is just as offensive as Tricks using a hooker as its mascot or Rice Crispies using an Asian. Thank God my 3 year old daughter can’t read yet, because on your packaging in bold letters it says Beaver with Cherry right below it. Yes that’s right, say it out loud with me, BEAVER CHERRY! To drive your shenanigans even farther, there is a large shinny Cherry right over the Beaver’s crotch area.
When I saw this I chuckled at first, then I thought about it for a second and I felt like Dannon was insulting my intelligence and suggestively exposing children to the evils of sex. To make sure I wasn’t a complete lunatic, I asked a few people if they thought anything was funny about the packaging. As soon as they saw it, they all busted out in a hysterical uncontrollable laughing fit. That is how noticeable your childish sexual joke is. I couldn’t let this pass with out warning, so I decided to tell you, YOU ARE NOT IN THE LEAST BIT FUNNY.
Please for the sake of our children, pop the Beaver Cherry.
I will pray for you, Rodney Williams
——–Response Email——–
September 25, 2002
Dear Mr. Williams,
Thank you for contacting The Dannon Company.
We always appreciate hearing from our consumers and receiving their feedback.
With regard to your specific comments about our Danimals packaging, in no way or form have we intended to suggest such things. However, we can tell you that our packaging is being replaced in the next few weeks anyway, as our Danimals cup yogurt is becoming Danimals Super Creamy.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to e-mail Dannon.
Sincerely,
Lisa Moore
Consumer Service Representative
Ref#:460235
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